It all started, as it often does, with a movie. Remember Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One? Yes, the movie where Tom Cruise does all those crazy stunts and AI is basically the villain. Well, President Biden saw it and thought, "Wow, that's scary!" So he signed an executive order telling tech companies to use AI well and responsibly. And then he told all government agencies to write reports on how they would use AI, how they would protect us from it, and why they were so behind the times.
A Comedy of Errors in the Age of Artificial Intelligence
You're the head of a government agency, tasked with leading your team into the futuristic world of artificial intelligence. You've seen the movies, you've read the books – you know what's possible. But your reality is a far cry from the sleek, efficient world of Tom Cruise. Your office is still running on Windows XP, and your most advanced technology is a fax machine.
That's the predicament many federal agencies found themselves in when they were tasked with submitting reports on their AI adoption plans. The results were, well, a bit of a disaster. It was like asking a caveman to give a TED Talk on quantum computing.
The AI Apocalypse is Coming... Or is it?
The White House, in its infinite wisdom, had this brilliant idea to ask federal agencies to report on their AI progress. It was like asking a toddler to explain the theory of relativity. The results were a hilarious mix of confusion, fear, and a whole lot of excuses.
Some agencies were so overwhelmed by the complexity of AI that they resorted to desperate measures. The Department of Energy, for example, complained that it didn't have enough graphics cards. It's like trying to bake a cake without flour.
The Data Dilemma: A Tale of Lost Files and Forgotten Passwords
One of the biggest challenges facing these agencies was the data problem. Imagine trying to find a needle in a haystack, but the haystack is the size of the Grand Canyon. That's the kind of data chaos these agencies were dealing with.
Decades of accumulated data, scattered across countless servers and databases, made it impossible for them to centralize and secure their information. It was like trying to organize a garage sale after a hurricane.
Fear of the Unknown: AI Phobia Strikes Washington
Another recurring theme in the reports was a general fear of AI. It was like watching a group of Amish people react to their first encounter with a smartphone. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission, for example, admitted that its employees were "trepidatious" about AI.
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| Fear of the Unknown: AI Phobia Strikes Washington |
The Funding Fiasco: Penny-Pinching in the Age of Innovation
Of course, no government project would be complete without a lack of funding. The agencies were competing for resources with other important priorities, like cybersecurity and "core EXIM capabilities" (whatever those are).
It was like trying to run a marathon on a diet of water and crackers.
A Government-Wide Tech Overhaul: Mission Impossible?
Catching up with the rest of the world is going to be a Herculean task for these agencies. It's like trying to teach an old dog new tricks, but the dog is a dinosaur.
The agencies will need to invest heavily in training, infrastructure, and technology. It's going to be expensive, time-consuming, and probably involve a lot of swearing.
AI – The Final Frontier
So, the next time you hear someone talking about the dangers of AI, remember that there are probably some government agencies out there still using floppy disks. The AI apocalypse may be coming, but it's more likely to be caused by a computer crash than a robot uprising.
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| Mission Impossible: The Final Frontier |
U.S. Agency AI Compliance Plans
The Office of Management and Budget's memo on AI governance (M-24-10) directed agencies complete a compliance plan and post it publicly by late September. FedScoop has compiled a list of those documents.